sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
