the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
