eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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