She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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