i jhust puked up my retainher.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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