Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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