Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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