Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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