why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
