Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
