Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
