At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
