My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Randomize
