There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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