We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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