I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
