glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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