dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
