Banned from zoo.
Again?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
