that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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