The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
