the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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