I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize