I seem to have left my pride at pride
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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