You just made me feel so damn special
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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