I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
