Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
