When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
