Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
