all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
