I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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