You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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