please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
