So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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