Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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