Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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