i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
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