so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
