i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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