I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
