It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
