NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
