Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
