No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
