i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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