yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
