i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"