Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Life is so much better after having sex.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor