if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
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Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
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Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.