last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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