i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
