She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
