Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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