I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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