I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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