Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
