im about as happy as oj after his trial
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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