Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
even my farts smell like vagina
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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